


A Thing of Unspeakable Horror

by The_Dancing_Walrus



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Hammer Horror Films
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Sorry Not Sorry, that's the fic, the gang in a Hammer Horror movie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-06-05 22:54:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6726676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Dancing_Walrus/pseuds/The_Dancing_Walrus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was silence apart from the cackle of the radio. After a suitably pregnant pause Falman replied. “So how do you know you’re in a Hammer Horror movie?”</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Thing of Unspeakable Horror

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this ages and ages ago and my partner (who still thinks it's funny) persuaded me to post it here. I'm not sorry.

There was silence apart from the cackle of the radio. After a suitably pregnant pause Falman replied.

"So how do you know you're in a hammer horror movie?"

"THE VAMPIRE was a CLUE!" Havoc yelled.

"Is there any standard military protocol for surviving a B movie?" Hawkeye asked.

"I believe the standard procedure is to keep of hold of any religious symbols you happen to have until the final confrontation at which point you will loose them through no fault of your own and be forced to fashion stakes from nearby furniture or pull the curtains from the windows."

"I'm going to die!" Fuery wailed.

"Shut up, he'll hear you!" Breda snapped.

"Oh it's alright for you! You're the comic relief, he's the semi-capable but brave hero and _she's_ blonde pretty and female! I'm the cannon fodder!"

"I suspect Sergeant Fuery is mildly hysterical."

"I'd gathered that Lieutenant Hawkeye, sir. Do you know your location? We can send a small squad and an alchemist as back-up within the hour if you're within a fifty mile radius of Central."

"Well the superstitious peasants, castle and atrocious accents seem to suggest somewhere in Eastern Europe but judging by the lighting and surrounding countryside I'd guess somewhere in Suffolk."

"You're not going to die Kain," Havoc told him in a consoling tone. "Think about it. The ratings on these things are _never_ over PG-"

"All that means is that he can't die violently and the Lieutenant gets to keep all her clothes on."

"Thank you Breda." Hawkeye put in sarcastically.

"I'm going to die!"

"No-no just-" Havoc glared at Breda and tried desperately to rescue the situation. "OK, even in the _really unlikely_ case that you did, at least you know it's going to be peaceful right?"

"Unless it happens off screen." Breda said.

"I'M DOOOOOOOOOOOMED!"

"Then we'd find your mangled corpse and have to hide it from Lieutenant Hawkeye in case the sight of it broke her womanly nerves-"

"Except Breda would faint as soon as he saw your blood and then _I'd_ have to do it." Havoc corrected as the last remnants of colour drained from Fuery's face.

"If you don't mind I am _trying_ to talk to HQ." Hawkeye reminded them.

"Ahem. As I was saying Lieutenant there's no guaranteed survival strategy in these situations. Sergeant Fuery _is_ right there's usually a tendency to preserve certain stereotypes-" Falman continued

"Why me? Why is it always me? I'm a good person-"

"-though they do sometimes also change tack by disposing of other characters for shock value. In which case they usually go for people with perceived flaws or a tendency to immorality."

"Can you give us some examples please Falman?" Hawkeye shouted into the radio over Fuery's increasingly religious pleadings.

"The general trend appears to punish adultery in males, any form of sexuality in females, drug abuse, alcoholism, cowardice, disrespect for authority figures and in some of the older models members of ethnic or religious minorities."

Hawkeye considered this. "Has anyone converted to the church of Leto recently?"

"No." Havoc and Breda informed her almost in unison.

"Sergeant Fuery?"

A wide manic grin spread over the communication officer's face. "Cowards? They punish _cowardice_?"

"Sergeant?"

"HA HA! I'm gonna LIVE!"

He began a rather wild sort of victory dance, waving his arms as though he was having some sort of seizure. It continued for almost half a minute until the radio faded out in one final burst of static. Fuery froze. Breda screamed.

Deep, maniacal and extremely over-done evil laughter echoed down the corridor.

Havoc shrieked and hugged Fuery.

Breda ran.

Hawkeye pulled a pistol from her stocking and shot it once through each eye.

_And they all lived happily ever after..._

_Except for the vampire of course..._

_But Christopher Lee got another tidy sum for dying melodramatically..._

_And Breda recovered after counselling..._

_Although Havoc's love life never did, not after the story of him jumping into Fuery's arms got around Central..._

_But on the whole..._


End file.
